Everything is going to be ok. And if it is NOT ok, THAT is ok, too.

By Emily W. 

“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths.”  Proverbs 3: 5-6

I don't know if anyone else does this, but I pray a lot in the car, while I'm driving. I guess because it is some of the only 'quiet time' I get. And around this time I was praying a lot because I was worried. I was pregnant with my third child and I just didn't 'feel pregnant' anymore. I didn't think I was as big as I had been. I remember trying to figure out if I should call my doctor and try to get in to see him sooner, but then thinking about how that was going to mess up the weekend with my in-laws who were visiting from out of town. I decided I was going to just wait until my appointment the next week, and I was going to 'not worry until they tell me there is something to worry about.'

And I had a clear answer. The thought came to my mind very clearly that "Everything is going to be ok. And if it is NOT ok, THAT is ok, too." 

The fact was, things were ‘not ok.’ At my doctor’s appointment that next week we found out our baby had died in utero. I was admitted to the hospital and induced, and, three days later I delivered our stillborn son, Gabriel. 

Looking back, I see so many blessings a loving Heavenly Father provided for me to get through this horrible time of my life. The blessing that I had been worried so I made my husband attend the doctor’s  appointment with me. The blessing that my in-laws were in town to support my husband and take care of things at home while I was in the hospital. The blessing that I had three days in the hospital waiting for Gabriel to be born so I could get a little bit of time to prepare.

I found a list that I had made around that time of things I wanted to accomplish and goals I had. Everything from "find a way to quit my job and stay home with the kids", "better relationship with my husband", "attend church more regularly", and "lose weight". There were maybe 10 things on that list. After Gabriel died I realized that every single thing on that list was brought about by Gabriel's short life and then his death.

Be careful what you wish for. You just might get it. 

This is a conversation I will have someday with my Heavenly Father.

Me: "Really? Was that the only way to get my attention and accomplish those things?" 

I can be thankful for the growth, if not for the way it came about. And I can see that having this particular baby (Gabriel, stillborn 5/10/02 at 21 weeks) and being married to this particular man (a graphic artist/illustrator) has allowed me to do some small good in the world. I have a website to sell mementos and scrapbooking materials for families who have lost a child. I have met people I would never have met. I have a perspective of what things are important and what things are not. Gabriel has made me a more patient, sympathetic, and understanding person. 

The biggest blessing is my knowledge that families can be forever. Eternity is a small time, and our time on earth is just one quick blip of that. I think of it in this way. You know when you’re at the park and all the kids are out there running around? I’m sitting on the side and Gabriel popped in for a quick, “Hi, Mom!” and he is off again. Someday I will get to know my boy, and it is a blessing to know that.